Sneaky little thing called grief

Grief. It's such a terrible word. Sounds awful. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's actually healing and happy. Even after 5-10-15 years, are you still grieving? Or are you just remembering? There has to be a better word that doesn't sound like someone just knocked your knees out from under you.
But then again, I guess that's how it feels sometimes. Like tonight, here I am editing at the computer and watching yet another season of "The Bachelor!" I wasn't planning on watching it this season, but I am for two reasons. 1) Jeff wanted to watch it with me the week before he left. And 2) There is nothing else on TV but a football game. So here I sit, listening to the drama. Little did I know that they would sneak in a little sorrow to pull at your heartstrings... and guess what? It worked!
There's the Bachelor, Ben, sitting with some girl watching home movies of themselves growing up. You see, Ben lost his Dad. And up pops a video of Ben's Dad speaking. (Oh the power of voice!) And the girl asks him, "When's the last time you heard your Dad's voice?"..... "Five years," he replies with tears streaming down his face.
Instantly I choke up and feel like a can't breathe (somehow I think I can hold back the tears by holding my breath, but it doesn't work).
Wow, how long has it been since I heard Nick's voice?
.... crickets ....
Ten years! Do I even remember what it sounds like? Yes. Of course I do. But just barely.
Gosh why aren't there more videos?
Then my brain flashes, flickers, and scans... why haven't I take more videos of MY kids.
I'm a photographer, I don't take videos, I take photos.
Crap, I need to take more videos!!!!